VooDoo #92 — Hash Trash

Well, my harriers and harriettes, my socks and shoes are infused with dirt, and my left ankle is bleeding.  That’s right, it’s been another successful meeting of the VooDoo Hash House Harriers!!!

Today we had a mystery hare… we wouldn’t find out what asshole was about to lead us astray until we got there.  This fellow decided to conceal his identity because he’s been a backslider who hasn’t attended a hash in about a year! No WONDER he was so ashamed to show his pathetic face!  Who was this puzzling persona, this questionable queer, this mysterious mortal?  It was Tandy Ass!!! And he talked his lovely bride, Just Andee, into being beer wench.

So how was this enigmatic trail, you ask?  Eh.  It was alright.  We pranced around the northern end of City Park a bunch.  Every so often we encountered a “Mystery Check,” which was a question mark inscribed in a check circle.  Somewhere near the Mystery Check we would find a Clue-style weapon.  In all, we found two guns (squirt guns, duh), a wrench, a candlestick, and some rope.  There was also a pipe which we missed (or maybe we just thought it was part of the general New Orleans rubble).  Unfortunately, we didn’t run through any billiard rooms or conservatories.  Then, somehow, near the end of trail a huge pack of hounds fell hopelessly behind and got lost.  At least 10 minutes after finishing those wankers still hadn’t shown up.  Tidy Bowl kept shouting “On-on!” into the dark (as if that would help).  Ready Whip and her virgin even procured a ride to the end!  Damn, that’s some lazy bitches!  We had to wait like 15 minutes for the rest of them to finally shuffle miserably to the finish (the whores).  See, once again, there’s those legendary VooDoo trailblazing skills in action.  No matter where the real trail goes, we’ll always find some way to make our own trail!  The DFLs claim they followed a mis-marked check… hmmm.  We may never know the truth.

Strangely enough, despite his lack of vision (and abundance of injuries), Lack-a-Virgin ended up as the FRB.  Go figure.  However, there was a large pack just behind him.  Our FBI, fittingly enough, will remain a mystery because the COWARD wouldn’t reveal herself! After thinking about it, I seem to recall the First Bitches In were Whole Lotta Cum and that new hasher.  But all the witnesses were oblivious and, like they say, innocent until proven guilty by trial of gravity, right?

The circle had a lot of activity this evening! (and I must say our RA, Pastor Bait-Her, did an excellent job reigning in the ruckus).  First of all, we had five, count ’em FIVE, hash virgins in attendance!!  Actually, we had a whopping SIX, but we sent one of them to the HOSPITAL! (hooray?)  Then we had a quick round of accusations; no one was accused of any crimes on trail, but Bend Over Rover and Anchor Spanker were latecoming bastards tonight (the second time in a row for Bend Over Rover), so they were called out for that.  And Lack-a-Virgin and Queef Meter had their vessels returned to them, because the dumbasses left them at last week’s hash.  Let’s have a more hearty round of accusations next time, folks, whaddya say?  Our kennel doesn’t have nearly enough bickering and hootenanny.  Like mother always said, “You can make anyone chug beer, if only you put your mind to it.  Holding them at gunpoint helps, too.”  I had an offbeat mother.

Finally, we had a positively absurd amount of awards:  someone (can’t recall who) came to the VooDoo more than 5 times, so they got their very own cheaptastic Mexican candle!  Next, three of our loyal constituents have graced us with their presence MORE THAN 25 TIMES, so they were rewarded with their very own piece of gris-gris, which was a souvenir alligator foot.  Two of our recently-named hashers were in attendance today, so they received their hash necklaces, hand-crafted by our Haberdasher, Wee-Blow Master.  Finally, saving the best for last, we brought Fill Me Up herself into the circle to reward her with a VooDoo rosary for hashing with us MORE THAN 50 TIMES!!! We love our Hi Priestess!!

Lack-a-Virgin, Hey!

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