ALL CHARACTERS AND EVENTS IN THIS WRITE UP —
EVEN THOSE BASED ON REAL PEOPLE OR EVENTS — ARE ENTIRELY FICTIONAL.
ALL CELEBRITY VOICES ARE IMPERSONATED — POORLY — THE FOLLOWING WRITE UP CONTAINS COURSE LANGUAGE AND DUE TO ITS CONTENT IT SHOULD NOT BE READ BY ANYONE
Johnny, while you read this, hopefully as uncomfortable as you possibly can be, I want you to listen to me. I want you to digest this because before I hare in one week, I have a lot of things I want to get off my chest.
I don’t hate you, Johnny. I don’t even dislike you. I do like you. I like you a hell of a lot more than I like most people in the back.
I hate this idea that you’re the best. Because you’re not. I’m the best. I’m the best in the world. There’s one thing you’re better at than I am and that’s kissing ass
You’re as good as kissing ass as Hogan was. I don’t know if you’re as good as Dwayne though. He’s a pretty good ass kisser. Always was and still is
I am the best in the world.
I’ve been the best ever since day one when I walked in. And I’ve been vilified and hated since that day, because Clittly saw something in me that scared him. That’s right, You know what else scarred Clitty? Commitment, not that I am one to talk. But the biggest difference between me and Clittly is I’m still fighting commitment.
I’ve grabbed so many of the imaginary brass rings that it’s finally dawned on me that they’re just that, they’re completely imaginary. The only thing that’s real is me and the fact that day in and day out, for almost six years, I have proved to everybody in the world that I am the best on this microphone, in that ring, even in commentary! Nobody can touch me!
And yet no matter how many times I prove it, I’m not on your lovely little collector cups. I’m not on the cover of the program. I’m barely promoted. I don’t get to be in movies. I’m certainly not on any crappy show on the USA Network. I’m not on the poster of WrestleMania. I’m not on the signature that’s produced at the start of the show. I’m not on Conan O’Brien. I’m not on Jimmy Fallon. But the fact of the matter is, I should be.
And trust me, this isn’t sour grapes. But the fact that Dwayne is in the main event at WrestleMania next year and I’m not makes me sick!
Oh hey, let me get something straight. Those of you who are cheering me right now, you are just as big a part of me leaving as anything else. Because you’re the ones who are sipping on those collector cups right now. You’re the ones that buy those programs that my face isn’t on the cover of. And then at five in the morning at the airport, you try to shove it in my face so you can get an autograph and try to sell it on eBay because you’re too lazy to go get a real job.
I’m haring this week. And hell, who knows, maybe I’ll go hare in Japan Maybe…I’ll go back to Brunei H3.
Hey, BSB, how you doing?”
Because even if I was gone, you’re still going to pour money into this hash. I’m just a spoke on the wheel. The wheel is going to keep turning and I understand that. VooDoo is going to keep running despite itself. It’s a good hash used to be a fantastic hash. You know why it’s not? Because we’re surrounded by glad-handed, nonsensical, possibly dutch, yes men, like Johnny, who’s going to tell us everything we wants to hear, and I’d like to think that maybe this hash will be better after those at the top move on, but the fact is, it’s going to be taken over by over enthusiastic new comers and doofus.